or "INSTRUCTION"HOW to BE HAPPY

The priest
Roman MELNICHENKO,
the rector of the parish Covers the Mother of God, family psychologist.
, Irpin.

Today, most psychologists say that depression is a disaster of our time. And the reason of their occurrence believe in the first place a lot of stress. Some truth in this. But what is seen in the person suffering from depression? First of all, the desire to live, and this is the main factor contributing to this problem. Why do people who have a prestigious job, a family, material wealth, the opportunity to travel, to communicate, there is a lack of will to live? The fact that there is no life-force. And no it is because of the fact that they do not have love in itself and, as a consequence, themselves anyone really don't like.

WHETHER OR NOT WE LOVE DEPENDS OUR LIFE

Often people refer to such feelings as love, not serious, because they do not understand the importance of it in his own life. The majority thinks as follows: "to live, I need food, water, clothing, shelter. And so it was - you need money. As for love, without it possible to get by". Over time may occur more desires and more money in order to satisfy them. And love is something abstract and incomprehensible, completely unnecessary, that which interferes in achieving their ambitious goals. However, love is not just an abstraction. And from that, how much of it we ourselves have on the usefulness of our existence, and sometimes - even survival. You can give an example. Born premature baby, and even if he has to create all conditions so that he lived, noted that the survival rate among such children are not high. However, if such premature babies often visit their mothers, in most cases, they survive. That is the power of love, which can work wonders. But its lack can make life unbearable. If the body can saturate, for example, the same soup, the soul also needs food, but in the spiritual. It can not satisfy the food and any other pleasures, which retrieves the body, inside will still be felt emptiness and some discontent. Soul food is, above all, love, kindness, mercy, joy... Only in this case, the soul receives the pleasure is for her and food, and medicine at the same time. The full and harmonious development of personality in the first place depends on love. People from childhood shall be filled sequentially by several kinds of love, in particular: the parent, and brotherly love for yourself which one grows. And how is this content will happen depends on the quality of human life.

PARENTAL LOVE SHOULD BE UNCONDITIONAL The abundance of love starts as soon as the baby was born, or even before birth. He is like a clean sheet of paper. Of course, physiologically, it is already contain certain parameters: body type, temperament, character. But the child is still unknown, what is good, evil, love, faith, loyalty - he knows nothing about it. The Outlook on all of this will be formed later. And the first kind of love that must be filled with the child's parent. For personal development parental love is very important. To obtain it, the child first of all needs in the parent's attention. If adults are so busy that there is no time to communicate with your baby, ignore it, the child is looking for any other way, resorting even to the wicked action, if only parents somehow reacted to it. And then the father-mother should be especially sensitive. After all, if a child got a good deal of attention, for example, a scream, a slap on the ass, cuffs, you may think that love is manifested in this way. Imagine what a feeling he formed? Wise parents are child friendly, gently, give him the opportunity to feel that it is necessary that it is taken. They do not criticize, do not humiliate, do not inhibit the child, and not only speak to him about his love, but proves it with its actions. In the filling of the child parental love plays an important role in how your mommy and daddy talk to each other, how they work together: all this is on his pure consciousness. And as an adult he will take this type of relationship in their living space, reproducing in the relations with the husband/wife and children. So the parents should understand that only sincerity and trust between them can be the basis for a close and warm relationship with his descendants. However, the most important is that parental love was unconditional, that is: you're my baby and I love you the way you are, without any "but", regardless of your qualities, characteristics, inclinations, preferences, deficiencies. This does not mean that parents should appeal to any child's behavior, they just have to accept and love their travinochka spite of everything. Then the child is filled with parental love in full, feel accepted and loved. He formed an opinion: I am something of value. And depends on this and the subsequent filling of love - brotherly. HATE THE MOTHER TO THE FATHER POISONS CHILD LIFE

When the couple divorced, the child is usually remains with the mother. Experience shows that in most cases it is the woman who is experiencing the hatred of the former husband. And often rightly so, because very often the reason for divorce is adultery of the husband. However, all this is reflected on the child and can become a real tragedy. The child is "composed" of two halves - a father and a mother. And when the mother feels hatred for his father, thus it seems to tell your child: your one half, I do not like and do not recognize. From it one can often hear statements such as "do You like the father", "don't be like the father," and so on, so it is hatred. What kind of full filling of parental love there can be a speech? A woman who really loves his child, it is important to understand: it would not hurt her husband for the child he always remains with the father, and it must find the strength to respect him. Moreover, it must support this respect and in the child, placing his father in the example, responding positively about it, and so on, a Woman needs not only on the physical level, but also at the level of his soul to allow her husband to the child. It should never take the position of the father, and shall remain in the position of mother. Thus, the child has a sense of unity with the male race. And even if, for example, the son with the father speaks, that in any case he will be formed good relations with older men: with a coach or a teacher. That is, he will find himself a person who will perform the role of the father, because you will not feel a male gender hatred, which he usually sends a single mother, and in the future boldly will show their masculinity. All this directly concerns men. Because of their bad attitude to former wives also has a negative impact on children. Due to a misunderstanding between parents son or daughter may suffer from sleep disorders, enuresis, increased dependence on mom or dad at an older age it can be shown aggression towards parents, the child even dare to raise my hand on mom or running away from home. One day I was approached by a woman who could not establish a relationship with a thirteen year old son. It was the second marriage and with the boy's father no contact did not support, and in General, as it turned out, had a deep resentment, bordering on hatred. Son behaved aggressively toward his mother and stepfather generally ignored. He studied poorly, often truant, sometimes came home to spend the night. All her troubles were accused primarily mother. The woman was desperate, attempts to communicate with his son results were not given. The therapy she was able to overcome the negative, which was her former husband, realized that he, first of all, the father of her baby and always will. Taking it in his soul, almost immediately felt the change in behavior of the son: he was not so sharply to answer her questions, and sometimes even agreed with the observations. So she made the next step: resumed ties with former husband, after many years of silence for the first time he called. Gradually the relationship between them improved, and the son began to see her father met his new family. Why aggression has changed to warm even the delicate feelings of the mother. Also, the boy has improved relationship with his stepfather, he began to talk to him, listen to his advice. So everything is in our hands.

TO BECOME A FIRST - BE SECOND

Many problems arise and foster parents. And all because they want to, and it is natural, to replace the child's relatives. They seemed to oppose himself to them: we are good because we are with you and care about you, and they are bad because they don have thrown. Usually about that frankly are not told, but conditionally from children need to abandon their native parents and take named as a family. However, you cannot do it. The underestimation of the role of true parents in the life of an adopted child has negative consequences. In my practice there was such a case. One family adopted a girl 9 years old, but she's in the children's home remained one-year-old brother, their mother was a drug addict and died. Later the same family adopted and boy. While it was not, the girl felt and behaved normally. But with the advent brother her behavior has changed dramatically: it began to steal things, not listen. So the girl was trying to attract more attention. However, if she paid it attention - he was not accepted. Outwardly it looked like resentment and jealousy. But really the girl so subconsciously showed his disagreement with the fact that these people were trying to play the role of native parents. That is, it can be read aloud: "You are not my parents, and you are unable to replace them!" In this case the behavior of the girls was due to the arrival of a brother. But even without it, these problems are still there would be, just that it would happen later. Brother was a catalyst: the jealousy of him, was summoned negativism. In order to establish a relationship, the adoptive parents must make it clear to your child that you understand his feelings to their parents. They must respect the biological parents at least for the fact that, thanks to the latter, they have children. Only in this case, the child can receive love from adoptive parents, and they in turn will be able to become for him the real parents. Then, accordingly, will be the correct filling of the child parental love. In the process of psychotherapy adoptive parents of the girl can be shown orders love and how will the events develop, if they agree to put native parents in the first place. Once the adoptive parents will be able to do it will all fall into place and she would calm down. She will be able to accept love from them and not feel guilty for it to families. And one more thing. No need to wait until the child gratitude for what you have adopted. Everything we do in life, we do primarily for themselves, and only then - for others. And adoption is not an exception from this rule. (Other kinds of love, the fulfillment of which depends on the harmonious development of personality, will be discussed in detail in the following articles.)